You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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