I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize