I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
