Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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