no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
