Only a mothe r could love this liver
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
