i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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