Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
