Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
