I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
