The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
