ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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