Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
