i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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