mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
