I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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