neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My ass is underappreciated
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
