I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
the condom got lost in my hair
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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