By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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