I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
