Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
