i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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