I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
