Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
