My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
