my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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