my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
whose ass print is on the piano?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
