so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
