Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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