I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
