I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Well I just put wine in my tea
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
