Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
