Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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