: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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