I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
