I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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