I faked an abortion last night.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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