I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
