I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
