The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
