So drunk, too bad you don't want this
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
We are two peas in an std pod
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
