Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My bed smells like the plague
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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