Plan B is the new Plan A
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
