I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
