I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
