im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
