Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
