you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
