Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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