After last night, I could never be a politician.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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