"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she told me i tasted like america
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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