Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
